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Thursday, 27 June 2013

NISMO and Williams Have Entered A Technology Partnership, Which Made Me Think...


"Nismo Williams" sounds like a cool name for a spy or alter ego of some kind... or a SUPERHERO type figure! Get ready, then, for The Sustainable Performance Adventures of... Nismo Williams!!
*awesome theme tune*
By day, a perfectly ordinary sodium and eel salesman...
But by night, he's a millionaire playboy street racer superhero, an Anglo-Japanese Iron Man with a four-wheeled Super Suit and a taste for danger, with the demeanor of a suited gentleman and the fighting style of a ninja warrior.
FUCK YEEEAAARRRRR.
This week on The Sustainable Performance Adventures of Nismo Williams, can out hero save a city from slow, evil Pollutotrons???
"AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA-OGUGHUGHUGH *cough cough* WE WILL SMOKE YOU OUT OF THE CITY, PUNY HUMANS!! THEN WE'LL TAKE ALL YOUR VALUABLES AND TABLE SALT FOR SOME REASON!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!"
The people gasp a collective gasp...
*GASP*
...Then cough a collective cough as the Pollutotrons begin executing their Evil Plan...
*ochughughughugh*
...But through the thickening, sickening black smog, the city-dwellers hear a high-revving four-cylinder engine barking a constant Note that pierces through the smokey chuntering of Pollutotrons. A pair of headlights glow in the smog, flanked by wider-set headlights further behind. The revving dies down, yet the light beams keep racing forward somehow. Then, out of the sooty cloud bursts something that looks a lot like the Nissan ZEOD RC but definitely isn't, OK, deal with it.
A missile launcher extends out from the low-drag side skirt. The missile fires forwards, then upwards in a smooth arc and into the soft underbelly of the nearest Pollutotron.
NISMO and Williams Are Pairing Up, Which Made Me Think...
The missile EXPLODES with a burst of clean energy!!
The monstrous machine that sort of looks like a tank had sex with Howl's Moving Castle staggers and falls to the ground as the clean energy DISSOLVES it into clean air!!
Having rushed to the scene at speeds of around 300km/h on electric power but occasionally utilising a 10,000rpm 4-cylinder turbo/supercharged range extender engine to recharge on the move, Nismo Williams glides silently into the side streets as the horrified Pollutotrons begin their search for this surprise superhero sensation.




Will they find him, or can he thwart their scheming schemes? Stay Tuned and find out after these messages!!

Welcome back! Valiant energy-saving superhero Nismo Williams is going all ninja car on the evil, slow-moving, inefficient Pollutotrons. But what next?!
As he hides in the side streets, he notices a restaurant in which all the salt shakers have been stolen. His noble car (not that Noble car) whispers a faint whir as it crawls along on electric power alone. But then, a second Pollutotron smacks the skyscraper, smashing all the glass in a dramatic fashion!!
Using instant torque, Nismo Williams zips away underneath the hulking gas guzzling, er, bad thing, and FIRES ANOTHER MISSILE! Another direct hit! The massive explosion of clean energy causes a glowing white light for a few seconds, the rays of which enter his car's carbon nanotubes that cover the top surface of the body, which turn the solar energy into more electricity! This means more time without needing the engine and blowing his cover... except that the loud explosion already did that!!
"Thanks to my car's Solar Skin, I can outrun them before they pinpoint my exact loca— oh no, they're already here!!"
But no matter! With his superior speed and agility, he is able to fire his last two missiles into the last two Pollutotrons!!
"WHY OH WHY DO WE BAD GUYS ALWAYS HAVE SOFT UNDERBELLIEEEEEEEES OARGLUGHHRIOHGIOGJHRZSIORGH!"
"Better your underbellies than your brains, Pollutotrons! Or something..."
But wait! There's ONE MORE LEFT, and it's the BOSS ONE, as it turns out!!
"SO, you've defeated my warriors and intend on destroying me too, mysterious warrior!"
"If that's what it takes to stop you!!"
"Well you know what? Fuck it. I've seen enough of these to know where this is going, and I don't want to die before TOP GEAR comes back this weekend. You may have thwarted my scheming schemes, mysterious hero-like driver, but I'LL RETURN MAYBEEEE!!"
"Hm. We may or may not see about that..."
And with that, Nismo Williams glides off in his carbon-fibre stallion and drives around a corner and into an alley way. An attractive woman with slightly more cleavage than is strictly necessary tries following him, but mere seconds after he disappears from view, a man appears from the same alleyway, with two different suitcases.
"Hello madam, I see this city's short of table salt. Would you like to buy some sodium?"
*awesome theme tune kicks back in*
Next week, our hero Nismo Williams has a dangerous yet hopefully-compelling adventure in the proud but conservative city of Jalopolis. Can his escapades change the eccentric people's perception of electric power and efficient propulsion? Will his booming sodium and eel business maintain its success? Can he defeat another large-looking threat before it declares its entire plan and whacks something that then explodes? Will I remember to even write it? Would anybody even read it?? Do I look like I give a fuck???
Tune in Next Time!!!!

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