BRABUS Has Given The Greatest Vehicle Of All Time The Dullest Name

Almost immediately after trying to break the trend of crossovers here on SBV8, I've had no choice but to return to the genre. But if that bothers you then you'll forgive me pretty quickly, because rather than being a crossover between an SUV and a sports saloon, the car you see here is a crossover between a proper off-roader and a nuclear warhead. At the Geneva Motor Show in March, Mercedes-Benz revealed the G63 AMG 6x6, which was a hot rod version of their own land rover with six wheels and a gun rack of sorts. Well now, at the Frankfurt Motor Show, their closely-associated tuning company BRABUS has made its own version of that car (?) for people who don't think 536bhp and 560lb/ft is enough power to haul a rather substantial 3775kg.

Obviously, what a pseudo-military six-wheeler needs is a 6.3-litre V8 Bi-Turbo producing seven hundred horsepower.

And obviously, what this earth-shattering creation needs is a name, a menacing one, an intimidating moniker that tells anyone who hears it that it is capable of terminating puny humans and driving straight through buildings like they're just hippie bead doors. A name like: B63S-700 6x6. Erm......

While that sounds like the serial number for a gift card, it accurately describes a BRABUS 6.3-litre 'S' with 700 horsepower and 6-wheel-drive. Maybe 'S' stands for "Schlag" (as in the German for "smash" or "strike", not a catchphrase for Sean Connery's and Ray Winstone's lovechild).

At any rate, this... machine, with its very Germanic designation, is capable of 0-60 in 7.4 seconds. Those of you thinking that it would be as fast as an Aventador because it has the same power clearly don't know how physics works, but it's still bloody impressive that something weighting almost exactly as much as two Bugatti Veyrons can keep pace with a hot hatch or Toyobaru GTBRZ86 in a straight line. Although of course, having a colossal 708lb/ft of torque between 2000-4500rpm helps too. The top speed is similarly un-Lamborghini, as the heavy-duty off-road tyres call for a limited top speed of 160km/h, or 100mph. Still, would you really want to drive this any faster than 100mph?

The best thing about it (aside from the three year/100k mile warranty) is that while they've upgraded the engine and given the vehicle a "strategic visual upgrade" inside and out, they've left the drivetrain untouched, which means that with knobbly 37" rubber and departure angles of 52° and 54° front & rear - not to mention 6WD with five locking differentials - you can still climb every mountain and ford every stream. But with 700 horsepower going through a gearbox they call "AMG SPEEDSHIFT PLUS 7G-TRONIC" (emphasis not my own). All it needs now is a minigun mounted in the pickup bed and you can make yourself and three or four of those close to you nigh-on indestructible. Probably...

Finally, if you're not feeling manly enough for such a machine, or you don't need to worry about a zombie apocalypse, then there's good news! You can apply the same engine upgrades to the regular four-wheeled G63 AMG as well. You won't be as awesome, but hey, it's your money. Speaking of which, I don't know how much this costs, but being a BRABUS tune of an ex-military vehicle, it's probably €QuiteALot.

Side-exit exhausts can also be used to torch those who displease you or try to break in. This is a lie.

"Mastik" red leather and alcantara cover the interior, so that if one of your passengers turns out to be a traitor, the blood stains won't be so obvious to the next people to get in.

"Strategic Visual Upgrade" includes more carbon fibre and sticky-out bits like the bonnet scoop

A full big post about the Frankfurt Motor Show will appear after all the reveals are done, but I felt urged to tell you about this now.